December 12, 2008 — 8:00 p.m.

So I’m having a mild panic attack. Although I don’t think ‘mild’ really does anything to help the situation, since I’m still here, freaking out, and inducing possible stomach ulcers by constantly stressing. Post trip trip starts in less than an hour and a half. Is it so wrong that I don’t want to go?

I couldn’t even tell you why. I know Kelly and I will have a good time, but the planning, from hostels to trains to buses, is just too, too much right now and I am consistently worrying about the next thing that will go wrong. For instance, earlier today I realized I hadn’t printed out our $100 train tickets and had to make a run to campus to print them out. And just about an hour ago I realized I had made our easybus booking [bus to the airport at 4 a.m. this morning] from the wrong location. So I changed it, but I need to go to the library again and print them out. THANK GOD our library is open until 11 tonight. But I’m still panicking. No use stopping when I’m on such a roll!

I think that large majority of it is stemming from my severe, severe homesickness [and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better, Mom, Dad]. I miss everyone from home so much and especially my family and I just feel like I’ve been that way the whole time I’ve been here and I never really let go of home and now that I’m so close to being there I just want to skip over everything that’s in the way and go home. Just, right now. Change my flight, disregard every travel plan I’ve made and just go. But instead I will stay, and when I come home people will be like ‘Aren’t you glad you stayed?’ and I’ll nod my head yes and put on a smile when I’m really thinking that I would have rather been home. Because honestly? I’ve gotten good practice. ‘Aren’t you glad you stayed in London?’ I get that question all of the time. What am I supposed to say? No? I sort of wish I had stayed home? The ultimate of insults. So instead I say absolutely, it would have been a mistake to go home. Or to have never come at all. Which is probably true in the long run, but right now it isn’t. I sort of wish I had stayed home.

Not to mention that I’ve been having these oddly morbid thoughts that I am going to die on this trip because god forbid I make it home after months of being away to see my family. No, no, I will be involved in some random accident three days before Christmas and I’ll never get home. It is the most terrifying thought in my head right now. [And booking a jump out of a plane didn’t help, either].

Sorry for such a dramatic exit from the blogging world for the next two weeks [okay….nine days]. It’s a necessary stress outlet. In other recent news, I am finished with coursework, finals, and internships. I don’t really have too much to say about any of them at the moment, other than thank goodness that is a lot off of my plate. And I also had a completely out of the blue stomach bug from Tues/Wed. which involved throwing up everything and eating nothing. So that was healthy. One week sick, one weekend healthy, one week sick….shall we keep going?

Maybe later. As of right now, I am busybusybusy and also still packing and still stressing and still complaining and possibly still missing some important document that will trap me in Switzerland for Christmas. Because that would totally happen. Hope everyone is enjoying there holidays. At home.

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